Bards of Woe
by buloy
Summary: In which Ren, in a fit of  forced  desperate measure,  agonized through every advice from each friend-turned-bane of existence, concerning his arduously, sterile  love for one LME member. Series of OneShots.


**Bards of Woe**

Setting: The Love Seat  
>Mood: PassiveAgressive Interventions  
>Theme: <em>All You Need Is Love<em> by The Beatles  
>Mission: The Proposal of the Samaritans<p>

* * *

><p>It happened about a week ago.<p>

First it was just from the president. Like a nagging old woman with a bad leg, (or a clingy psychotic girlfriend, whichever one fits the bill) Lory kept pestering Ren to the point that the young man had to change his phone number. They were just chatting the usual pleasantries and showbiz repartee when one thing led to another and Kyoko was "subtly" (note: visibly) the topic of the conversation.

Ren would have not mind it so much but only when said president had pointed out the obvious. For instance, Kyouko's steady rise in popularity and in demand of movie, drama and commercial productions, her obvious charm to all male within a foot of experiencing her lighthearted innocence and her general ability to draw people of all kinds to her persona. And of course the jab of his old age, impotency and inappropriately placed insults that extracted every fiber of his acting skill to restrain himself from shoving a bottle of champagne down the old man's throat.

And of course his exaggerated role of his already non-existent and vanishing importance to the girl, that made the younger actor winced even though he knew Kyouko would most likely tattoo his name in reverence before she would feel he was no longer needed.

Then from that insignificant and terribly exhausting banter with the president, word spread from his manager, to his father and Lory's butler or whoever poor sap the old coot had entailed his "Dismally Doomed and Deserted Love" (diagnosed as the DDDL syndrome) like a venereal disease (for a more morbid pictorial illustration that emulates the situation).

And in the next week he knew, there he was in a scene akin to _Intervention_.

The urge to run and throw himself haphazardly from the twenty-story building felt magnanimously justified if only it wouldn't leave him so bereft of life...which, actually rivals what occurred that day.

There in a circular love seat sofa, was an array of characters. Sawara-san who looked like he was pulled from a sewer and vomited a day's week of waste was haggard and worn. Yashiro sniffling to a box of Kleenex, who cried harder in his entrance and with Ms. Jelly Woods sharing the odd sentimentality gingerly sobbed and re-applied her mascara to maintain composure. Maria-chan as well, with her equally and rare 'you-didn't-give-me-_homemade_-voodoo-dolls' face promptly bounded over to him and gave him a hug that felt like a piteous and patronizing gesture to a miserable person.

Then there were two of the LME members, friends of Kyouko, Kanae Kotonami and Amamiya Chiro as one looked away with a murderous intention and the other with a sympathetic and slightly awed look. Surprisingly, there was a familiar couple as well who bore resembling curious and pity expression(except for the man that seemed like one had to pull teeth to get an emotion), that Ren recognized as the Daruyama owners and Kyouko's surrogate guardians. Add to the bunch was Director Ogata who had fainted at the end of the couch and propped up only by the President's peculiar butler.

And in the midst of it all was the very mastermind of the increasingly infuriating conglomerate of characters in his outrageously (note: hideous) garb that he raided from Count von Count, only with an added boa for (unnecessary) flair.

A tingle of fear ran down Ren's spine. A Halloween-themed Lory means a "love-deprived" Lory and all in his path shall suffer. And when it couldn't get any worse, there in the center, via Skype with a glaringly sixty inch projector above the seated guests was another person that made this whole odd event decidedly disastrous.

"Ren," the voice was unmistakable, strangely grave, and downright annoying, "What are you doing?"

And in that space of seconds to minutes the whole room felt suffocating. That question was so innocuous yet incredibly mind-boggling that Ren paused to gather his bearings and reassess the situation.

If he had half the attitude he possessed back in the day, the snappy reply would be an instantaneous: "I came through the door and saw the Wizard of Oz."

But of course, age and maturity had dulled his sense of reason and decided for the more logical question. "What are _you _doing?"

Alright maybe that needed a little rephrasing, but honestly with a crowd like this, it's hard to form any more sentence that could address each one of them.

Curiosity be damned because Ren didn't want to stay any longer from the variety of people gathered in this room. He was set to do just that when the answer was given to him in swift, solid and deadly precision.

"To advice the courting of the one maiden of your tormented heart."

As the words sunk in his muddled brain, the complications, and implications of that ghastly worded sentence, Ren took a rare and unceremonious dive to the floor.

* * *

><p>I am having heaps of joy writing this story. Honestly I dunno if I've read a story where each character would give their own versiontheories of how to woo Kyouko to Ren. If so, kudos to the genius of it. I feel that this would be one hilarious journey. I have to say I hope I could keep working on this (it's a series of oneshots! for god's sake!) and adding to each parts. Yes, Parts (i.e, confession,dates, marriage, babies etc...or not). Which means there will be advice given for every situation Ren or Kyouko will be put through. I am undecided if I'm going to be featuring Kyouko as well or just Ren. I think Ren would be funnier. Again just a series of shots, probably 8-10 chapters at less than 1k words at most (if I'm driven). :D Let's pray I make the complete list, eh? xD

Hope you've all enjoyed! I'd look forward to write the hilarity of all this.

...I love reviews. :3


End file.
